Sum of the Whole Read online

  “I see.” Jaya stood. She pulled her robe tighter around her shoulders and re-knotted the belt. “I’ll not send for you again.”

  In the quiet, Jaya picked up her glass of brandy. Sipping it, she let the heat of the liquor burn away the urge to speak, to beg Sarah to come with her. No. No. She said no.

  She paced the room. Her heart hitched in her chest. So much for trust. She tossed back the rest of her brandy. The steady ache in her heart was familiar. Not the same for her. She’s a better actress than Deidre. I am a fool. A complete and utter fool to think it was more. For fuck’s sake, I’m in a whorehouse. A fancy whorehouse but still a whorehouse. Jaya watched in the mirror as Sarah placed the brush on the dresser. Her gut roiled. She shuddered, thinking of Sarah serving others as she had served Jaya. Closing her eyes against the visions that played out in her head, she set her glass down. She rushed forward and knelt to plant kisses on Sarah’s feet. She worked her way up her thighs, clutching her legs, kissing her way to Sarah’s core. She slipped her fingers into Sarah’s wetness. She licked and sucked, worshipping at the altar of her sex, imploring Sarah with her mouth and fingers. Saying with her body the words she couldn’t bring herself to utter. Sarah pressed her hips to Jaya’s mouth and gasped. She wrapped her hands in Jaya’s hair. Wet heat spilled from Jaya as she lapped at Sarah, making her sway on her feet. She lifted her mouth.

  “Come with me,” she whispered, holding Sarah steady as she continued her assault with her fingers. “Leave this house and come with me.”

  “Zero.” Sarah’s safe word cut through Jaya’s desperation. The word Jaya had not heard in the eight weeks she had been at Rowan House. The word Sarah trusted Jaya to respect; an unbreakable contract between them. Jaya stopped. She rose to her feet, breath ragged. She leaned down, resting her forehead against Sarah’s brow. She grasped Sarah’s hands, interlacing their fingers.

  “I want you as my companion. Come with me. I have more than enough for us. You wouldn’t have to work. Live with me.” Jaya’s words came out in a rush.

  “Your personal whore then?” Sarah pulled away, the edge in her voice and the look on her face making Jaya take a step back.

  “What? No.” Jaya frowned at Sarah.

  “I may be a whore here, paid to do housework and expected to serve guests whatever their desires, but it’s my choice. I’m someone here and I serve a purpose for guests, like you. Out in the world, I’d not be seen as anything but your plaything, bought and paid for.” Sarah walked to the edge of the bed, her back to Jaya.

  “I don’t think of you as a whore.” Jaya stood in the center of the room, her hands twisted in her gown.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’d think me a whore if I went with you. So would your friends. And what of your family? You’d grow tired of me. Then where would I be? A used-up whore not able to return here.”

  Jaya had not had the courage to acknowledge Deidre. Her fear of her father and her family’s disproval had been too great. I have no family now, she wanted to scream at Sarah. Truth. She doesn’t want to leave. She doesn’t want me. Not as I want her. Doesn’t love me. The difference between them was too great. Jaya hung her head, unable to meet Sarah’s cold eyes; eyes she had imagined held her future. Eyes she once believed reflected love. Love. A bitter taste filled her mouth. Not love. Duties. Business.

  Sarah walked over to Jaya and reached up to touch her face. “It’s not because I don’t care for you.” She pulled the number tag from her collar and dropped it in Jaya’s palm. Jaya looked down at the small disc in her hand and found no words for the gift she had been given or the pain that wrapped itself around her heart and refused to let go.

  “I’ll stay with you tonight if it pleases you.” Sarah’s fingers rested on Jaya’s chest.

  “It pleases me.” Jaya closed her fingers around Sarah’s tag, letting the hard edges dig into her palm. The familiar pain of loss filled her. She let Sarah lead her to the bed and pull her down. Sarah settled Jaya’s head on her chest and carded her fingers through Jaya’s hair. The silence between them deepened, heavy with unspoken thoughts and whispers of shattered love.

  Jaya stayed awake after Sarah had drifted off to sleep, savoring the feel of her body against her and memorizing the way her breath puffed out against her skin and the quiet noises she made in her sleep. She eased out of the bed and crept to her dressing table, where she pulled a small cedar box from its hiding place. She opened the lid and dropped Sarah’s shiny brass tag next to Deidre’s tag, blue-green now with the patina of time. She ran her fingers over the tags and closed the lid on her pain as she shuttered her heart.

  “I’D LIKE TO stay in touch with you.” Jaya sat across from Sarah over their untouched breakfasts.

  “It’s not allowed by our contracts.”

  “You broke your contract when we started using a safe word. Why would this be different?” Jaya raised an eyebrow and let her anger show in her eyes.

  “I understood that was between us.”

  “This would be too.”

  “That’s not how it works.” Sarah set her mouth in a thin line. “This is fantasy. This house exists for the suspension of belief. An oasis in the real world. I don’t want to live like this twenty-four-seven. I have a life you know nothing about. Don’t assume you know me after eight weeks. You only know a part of me.”

  Illusion. Fantasy. Lies. Jaya wadded her napkin up and tossed it on her plate. I’m an idiot for falling for a professional. Again.

  “You should go.” Jaya stood up and turned her back, not wanting to see Sarah leave. Sarah slammed the door, rattling the breakfast dishes. She left Jaya standing there, her anger melting into a soul-deep despair. No tears. She had not shed tears since her mother died. Not in pain. Not in pleasure. Not when her father died. Not when Deidre left. Not today. She rang Martha and made plans to leave.

  JAYA’S BREATH FOGGED the window as she watched the car that would carry her back to the world roll to a stop. Changes. I need to make some changes. She wondered what foul words her brother would spew when she told him of her plans. She rubbed her neck muscles. She hated ruining her day thinking about dealing with her brother. She wondered if her plans would make as much sense after she left the quiet, surreal world of Rowan House as they made right now or if she would change her mind. No. I have to quit. She was done, done with the business. Her father was gone. She owed no one anything. Her brother could do what he wanted with his share. She was going to be free. Alone. She swallowed the bitterness of disappointment in trying to woo Sarah away from her life here.

  A soft tap at the door drew her attention from her packing.

  “Come in. I’m almost finished.” Not bothering to look up, she tucked her sketchbook into her bag. “The other bags are ready to go. I’ll carry this one myself.”

  “I’m not here for the bags.” Sarah’s voice cut through Jaya’s sadness.

  “I think you made yourself clear at breakfast yesterday.” She tugged her suit jacket on and picked up her bags.

  “Do we have to leave it like this?” Sarah’s voice was steady, but Jaya could see the shine of tears welling in her eyes.

  She looked away. Afraid if she looked in Sarah’s eyes she would cross the room and strip Sarah naked and take her like she had the first time. She wanted to drown her pain in Sarah’s fear and surrender. She bit her lip, remembering Sarah’s trembling touch as she explored Jaya’s body the first time. She wanted to wind back the clock to do all of it again. She wanted to fall to her knees and beg. She wanted Sarah in her life. In the end, she did nothing. Said nothing. Her silence filled the distance between them with anger and hurt and pain. Emotions she knew how to deal with. Hurt and anger, as familiar as her own skin. Constant companions; dark twins that settled in her heart to keep her safe in her world of pain.

  She knew Sarah’s eyes were on her, knew if she looked up she would not be able to stop herself. She waited, wishing Sarah would cross the room, wishing she would touch her, wishing she would give her an excuse
to kiss her good-bye, wishing for one last kiss to carry with her, to hold on to when she replayed this scene. One perfect kiss to last a lifetime.

  The soft click of the door shutting broke the silence and Jaya’s heart. Her knees gave way and she fell to the floor and wept. Wept for herself, for the time she had wasted, for what might have been, and for what would never be.

  JAYA WATCHED AS the shore of Skye receded. She was alone on the deck, and the icy wind whipped around her. The rest of the passengers were packed into the salon, driven inside by the cold. She wrapped herself in solitude. The fierce, frigid wind matched the iciness of her heart. I cried. Damn. At least I know I still can.

  Hurt and anger roiled through her. How could I have been so wrong? Fuck. I was wrong about Deidre too. So wrong. Love? Nope, only my imagination. Just a dream.

  She sighed, wishing the long trip ahead of her was over and she was back in her apartment. Even those empty rooms would be better than here, where all she wanted to do was rush back to Sarah’s arms and feel her surrender to her. Some Mistress I am. Hooked into a submissive so bad I lost myself. Gave over my power. Fucking fell in love.

  As the outline of Skye receded she closed herself off from the pain. She knew how to do this: how to wall off the part of her heart Sarah had filled, how to close herself off from her emotions. She was an expert at it. It wasn’t hard. Disassociation was her superpower. She took one last look at the outline of Skye. The horn blasted their arrival at the dock and she turned her back on Skye, on Sarah, on love.

  Chapter Seven

  SIX YEARS LATER

  “Thank you for coming. Your father was so generous in his will.” The dean went on but Jaya was not listening, distracted by red-gold hair and a face she never expected to see again. Sarah. Here. Her gaze fixed on Sarah, she stumbled on her way to the table. The dean caught her arm in time to keep her from wiping out. The look on the dean’s face suggested to Jaya that she suspected she had hit the bar early. She righted herself and thanked the dean before excusing herself. She watched Sarah as she navigated the crowd on her way to the restroom.

  The emerald-green sheath dress Sarah wore enhanced every full curve of her body. An elegant silver torque circled her neck. Damn it. Why that shade of green? Jaya’s chest tightened. She looked out from under her lashes as she picked invisible lint off her suit, waiting to see where Sarah was seated. Her table was near the podium, three tables to the left of Jaya’s table. No way she’s not going to see me. Get it together. No. Damn it. Why now?

  The bathroom was empty and she splashed water on her face. She leaned on the sink, sorting through the words she had imagined saying to Sarah in the last six years and rejecting all of them. Another chance. Or not. She checked the time on her phone and groaned. She had to take her seat before the ceremony started.

  Head high, she walked out. She kept her eyes focused on her table and her assigned chair. She sat back and took a sip of water. The dean smiled at her and patted her hand. If Jaya had been in any other mood, she would have found the gesture patronizing, but in this moment, she was grateful for the distraction. This was another duty she detested as head of the family. Her father had donated generously to his alma mater. When he was alive, he’d basked in the fawning attention of the board of trustees. He had always been the one to attend the functions and galas. As much as she didn’t miss her father, she sometimes wished he would rise from the dead, if only to attend these dinners. She struggled to listen and make small talk with the other donors, keeping her head down and her eyes firmly focused on her place setting.

  Above the murmur of the crowd she heard Sarah’s voice. She allowed herself a glance at her table. She sat next to a round woman in a flowing, floral dress. Jaya watched as a smile lit up Sarah’s face before she broke into laughter. She reached over, laying her fingers on the other woman’s arm. The intimacy of the touch sent a spike of jealousy through Jaya and her gut roiled. Ridiculous. So, she laughed. And touched that woman. Jaya looked away. Please let this be over soon. Maybe I could say I was sick. Run out before they introduce me.

  The dean touched her arm and gestured to her. She had missed her cue. Too late. Here we go. Damn it. No way out now. She stood up and looked straight ahead, not willing to risk eye contact with Sarah. She pulled her notes from her pocket and somehow made it through her speech. She posed with the scholarship winner and managed to avoid looking at Sarah for the length of time she was onstage. Jaya smiled for more photographs backstage before extracting herself. She found her table and collapsed into her seat. Don’t look. Eyes front. She gulped her glass of water. Don’t look. But she could not help the occasional sideways glance. In her mind, she rehearsed what she would say if Sarah would listen.

  The ceremony was endless. At last, the presenter made her final announcement. The crowd swelled around Jaya and she lost sight of Sarah.

  She scanned the room, worried she had lost her chance to see her, already thinking of how she would go about finding her. Desperate for something stronger than wine, she pushed through the crowd to the bar. She ordered a brandy and sipped it slowly, watching the crowd. She fidgeted with her glass while she cast an eye over the faces in the room.

  “Looking for me?”

  Sarah’s voice at her elbow startled Jaya, and she spilled her drink on her suit. Say something. She dabbed at it with a cocktail napkin.

  “Why are you here?” Jaya regretted her words the second they were out of her mouth.

  Sarah pressed her lips into a thin line and glared at Jaya over the rim of her wineglass.

  “Sorry. I was surprised.” Jaya looked away.

  “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe.” Sarah drained her wineglass. “Make sure you keep mine.” She slammed her wineglass on the bar and stalked off.

  Six years. Six years and she’s still angry. Jaya ordered another brandy and drank it, welcoming the burn that took the edge off the ache in her heart.

  “I WASN’T SURE you’d come.” Jaya traced the edge of her coffee cup with her fingers.

  “I didn’t think I would either but here I am.” Sarah sat down and settled her bags next to her on the seat. “What do you want to talk about? You want to settle old debts?”

  “What? No. There is no debt.” Jaya had not planned for this. After locating Sarah’s contact information through the university, she had extended the invitation to meet expecting Sarah to refuse to see her. She felt stupid asking about the weather or about Sarah’s family—if she even had one—or why she was at this university. She only had known her in the context of Rowan House and now she felt as if the earth was constantly shifting and she could find no purchase. “I wanted to talk to you. About us.”

  Sarah sat back and raised her chin at Jaya, her posture rigid; a harder version of the woman Jaya had known at Rowan House. “Us? Is there an us?”

  “I behaved badly. I’m sorry.”

  “You did.” She leaned forward and lowered her eyebrows. Her voice was a harsh whisper. “You treated me like I was a pretty toy you had the pleasure of playing with and then acted like a spoiled child when you couldn’t take me home with you.”

  Jaya shifted in her seat. True. All of it. She had left without saying good-bye. She had bolted from Rowan House as if it were on fire, so crushed had she been by Sarah’s refusal.

  “Could we start again? I mean, like people do on the outside?”

  “You mean date?” Sarah looked at Jaya, narrowing her gaze while she fingered the torque around her neck. Jaya had noticed it at the awards dinner. The engraving was hard to read in the light. Sarah quirked her mouth when she noticed Jaya staring at the torque. She pulled her hand away. What does it say? Is she collared? Jaya pushed the thoughts of Sarah serving another Mistress out of her head. Maybe that’s why she refused me. Maybe she wanted to leave with someone else. Jaya chewed her lip. Did I imagine the energy between us? Maybe our time together didn’t mean a damn thing.

  “Yes.” Jaya ran her finger around the edge of her coffee cup. “Why
not?”

  “Are you serious? You want to squire me about, trying to impress me with your money, so I’ll go home with you and give you what you want?” Sarah shifted in her seat.

  “Yes. No.” Jaya pushed her hair back. “I mean I want us to get to know each other. No pressure. No hidden agenda. Maybe date is not the right word for what I want. I want to know you. Who you are, what you like to do, to know you, Sarah the person, not Sarah the paid submissive.”

  “You don’t want me that way.” Sarah arched a brow and Jaya felt herself unwind at the challenge in Sarah’s eyes.

  “No strings, no plans, whatever transpires, transpires. I don’t expect anything more than outings like this. Although one with less tension would be preferable.” Jaya smiled and took a sip of her coffee.

  Sarah sat back in her seat and looked away from Jaya. “Let me think on it.” She gathered her things and left Jaya sitting in the booth, wondering if she would spend the rest of her life watching Sarah walk away.

  Chapter Eight

  “MS. JAYA, ARE we gonna do round kick today ’cause I like that one. I been practicing. Can you help me tie my belt?”

  Jaya knelt and helped the boy. “Jacob, did you practice being nice to your sister? That’s what we talked about last week. Remember? Being nice to our family including our brothers and sisters.” A sliver of guilt pricked Jaya. She shrugged it off and focused on listening to Jacob.

  “I did.” He dropped his head. “Sort of.”

  “Look up.” Jaya kept her face solemn and her voice gentle. “When you know better it’s important to do better so keep working on it.” Jacob smiled and gave Jaya a quick hug before he ran off to line up with the rest of the children.